Archive | April, 2012

Working 9-5. I wish.

21 Apr

So, I think this post might come out as a bit of a moan, so if you are looking for positivity, skip to another blog.

Over Easter I went on the most brilliant holiday, and spent a week sleeping like a baby. I did have a couple of ill days but they were probably due to the flight. I think flying for longer than 3 hours makes me poorly, which is really really shit considering that travelling was/is/hopefully will continue to be something that defines me.

I got back and had no signs of jetlag, which was pretty incredible given that my cousin was wiped out so I kind of expected to be a little tired. I just through myself back into work. I was ill at night – fits leading to either no or little sleep, which meant that by Friday I was wiped and couldn’t go to work. It made me think – actually by Friday every week I can bearly move due to tiredness. My body has to be dragged around the office and I can hardly keep my eyes open. That’s fine when I’m having a non ill week which seems to be 1 in 4, but when I’m having an ill one it just increases the seizures.

It’s made me think long and hard about my hours at work. As usual my boss and I had the hours at work chat. He agrees, yes you must try and work shorter days, try and get out by 6pm. But, as usual I stay til 7pm every day, as usual I don’t take a lunchbreak, as usual I sent emails from home before and after work. And it doesn’t seem to be better if I do make it out early – I just take my work home with me in my head – it stays there all night and I can’t sleep for thinking about all the stuff that has to be delivered the next day. So so stupid, because then the next day a zombie is sat at my desk. And I know I’m doing well, but I just feel like I have to do more and more and more to get things finished, to then get the next day finished, and the next. Just wishing the days away, but what for? There is no end goal.

Once one day is over and one project is off my plate another one will pop up, so what is the point of carrying all of the stress in my head? All I know is that there is no happy medium, and that even if I weren’t ill I’d be tired. I can just feel the tiredness more now because rather than being wiped on a Friday evening, I am now wiped through Saturday too. When will it end? Once I’m working so hard that 7 days run together and there isn’t any recovery time?

The question is ‘what to do?’ The aim of working like this is to get promoted, to have a little more money so that if I can’t work as hard it won’t be impossible to live working less than full time, but is it worth killing myself over now?

I say I love my job, but it is my life right now. If I didn’t work where I do, what would I do? Also, what would the company do when they found out I was ill? Legally they couldn’t do anything but support me but in reality they could do whatever they wanted. What do I even want to do?

How does anyone find a balance? I know it isn’t healthy to work 9-7pm every day and have a mind which races and won’t shut down at night, ¬†and then be too tired to do exercise/do anything at the weekend. Too many things to think about…

…and that’s without even considering the brain tumour.

The meaning of time..

9 Apr

..is never something we consider in depth. We say things like,

‘I haven’t got enough time to do x…’

When we really mean that we don’t consider x, as an activity, important enough for us to dedicate a part of our life to it. Or maybe that we consider doing something else more pressing which pushes x off the radar. Depending on what x is, by declaring it unimportant we can sometimes bin it forever, but there are some things which will rise back up day after day. There are things that will not be done if you don’t do them. Even if you push them off the list time and time again.

Mundane examples: cleaning the bathroom, taking out the bin, paying the electricity bill.

These Xs can be pushed aside due to ‘lack of time’ but you can see repercussions quickly and so interestingly time can be found. No one wants to live in the dark in a rubbish tip.

When it comes to making decisions it’s easy to plead lack of time as an escape route. However if you knew you were going to end up living in darkness unless you decided to pay your electricity bill you would make time to find out how to pay it and actually do it. You might leave it right until the last minute but it would be done.

If x is a decision in life that’s easier to ignore especially as it’s one thats going to take a lot of time to think about, it’s easy to replace it with small daily tasks. But by ignoring it we’re declaring that it’s not important enough for us to dedicate part of our life to.

Huge mistake if it is our life that is in the hands of the decision.