Joy vs. Fear

24 Feb

Isn’t life strange – all in one day you can experience so many emotions?

I have discovered that I work with some incredible people. I say discovered, but I actually already knew this. I told my boss that I would need further treatment against the advice of my neurologist who said I would be judged. That may be but my neurologist is a 55 year old man working in the NHS. I explained to him that I work in an advertising agency where everyone is really chilled out, and works incredibly hard. One of the most important qualities is a clear head, which you can’t have with something this big hanging over you.The other big thing is the smile on your face – a frown isn’t particularly inspirational for anyone. My boss’s reaction was really great – manly as expected, but great all the same. He put to rest any fears I had and I know we’ll deal with my tiredness when the time comes. For the moment I’ll try and take time off if and when needed without feeling guilty.

I can talk openly with the girls at work who I don’t see outside the office (except for at the pub across the road) – they know me well enough to know where I live, that I’m single, my age etc, but I feel totally comfortable saying oh by the way I’m going to have to be having this treatment, and there’s no hugging needed, just a trip to H&M, some work gossip about someone, and reassurance that if I ever want to chat they are there, which is perfect, after all they are colleagues and you don’t want to be wailing in all of your meetings! So Thursday was pretty joyful.

Fearful too. I worked late, got home and went to bed, boring boring, then woke up and hour later soaked to the skin, sweating and shaking. By now I am used to it and thought, oh god not another panic attack. They happen completely out of the blue during the first hour of sleep, when your are in REM sleep – that kind of dream state, almost like having a nightmare yet you don’t have a nightmare, you just wake up covered in sweat and unable to breathe. Absolutely horrible the first time it happens (back in November for me, when I was on some new medication, which needless to say I quickly stopped) – I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The odd thing is I have been sleeping well, despite the diagnosis. I think initially I was so emotionally tired I took a while to get to sleep then I just slept and slept, whereas now I’ve taken it in and so have absorbed it consciously but my unconscious is thinking more and more.

The weirdest thing is I know exactly was has set off the panic attacks. Ever since I came back to work after my operation I have had a fantastic manger, Alex, who despite being crazily young has a great grip on reality and has never once judged me on what I see as extreme lack of concentration and slowness on my part (I do set a high bar but then I think the operation has affected my levels of concentration and abilities at work). She told me on Thursday that she is leaving the agency for a fantastic job opportunity – I couldn’t be more pleased for her, I would take the job in a second, especially as it’s abroad, oooh the jealousy. When I’m well I’ve got the full intention of doing something similar! I assume that this announcement rocked my subconscious a bit, even though in my mind nothing has changed. I may get less babysitting, but as it was with my ex-boyfriend, less babysitting has only been a positive thing.

After the late working yesterday, panic attack, no sleep, and early start, this is what I was thinking all day at work and I actually really believed it…

It may seem sickly sweet and too positive to be true, but no joke, I would normally be moaning about being tired and how I couldn’t wait to get home, but I just thought, there is a reason you couldn’t sleep, you didn’t do badly in that meeting, you’ve just had a great lunch with those clients, everything is going to go well over the next few months.

I am now home and exhausted, but have the balcony door open as the first days of Spring are here, and have a wonderful friend filled weekend awaiting me. At lunchtime I met a new team member who talked about everyone having a path set out for them, and how we should’nt try to fight what happens to us because it’s all part of that path – a hardline version of ‘everything happens for a reason’ I questioned this – what if I want to move abroad after my treatment finishes, and had I not been sick I may’ve wanted to live in London for longer, been more settled (this is still not decided!)? He answered with, well what if these questions are all part of the path (He doesn’t know I’ve been ill) and the decision that you take is the one you are destined to take.

Everything that happens on our journey does so to teach us something, and to make us into the person we will become.

It’s definitely something that intrigues me, and I’ll be posting about. In the meantime I’ve sent him off to watch the Adjustment Bureau and Sliding  Doors!


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