Fear and introspection

21 Feb

One of the things that has been an almost constant presence in my life since the diagnosis, no matter where I am, is fear.

I have been afraid of having seizures when I am alone in case no one finds me, when I am in public in case I do not have time to tell anyone what is happening, when I am at work, in case they decide I am too sick to work and don’t let me keep my job. I feel scared on public transport in case I have a panic attack and cannot get off. I am scared that I will be this way forever.

When I am busy and have slept enough, and realise that I have lots of support all of this fear melts away, yet I still have moments where I am scared of feeling scared. I wake up in the middle of the night having a panic attack, or start to breathe shallowly at work and think I’ll be sick on the desk.

Writing this post has unnerved me, as I now feel the familiar knot in my stomach, but I had to after reading this, which has inspired me to have more courage and fight the feeling of fear. You can be afraid, just like you can be weak, but with a strong mind you can admit you’re scared, acknowledge it and overcome it.  I hope.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ~ Nelson Mandela


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